For those who know me, know I’m a spiritual gal. I’ve always been, since I was a kid. In high school I would go to the library every day during lunch and sit by myself with my honey bun and Mountain Dew from the vending machines. I would read books, all sorts of books, about all sorts of religions. I was raised Christian but I felt called to explore my spirituality more.
Over the years I practiced paganism, Wicca, Hinduism, Native American shamanism, and even Palo (a Cuban African witchcraft.) I have learned no matter which way I pray to God, I loved to pray, and I loved God.
So as of recently I made big changes in my life, I decided to leave the porn industry, take down all my mistress ads, sell everything I own and move into a RV in the woods. I wanted to cleanse, I was overwhelmed by the fast life my modeling career had brought me. Years of chasing numbers, fame, and clout. Also, cleansing myself of a life time of experiences, and old spiritual wombs going as far back as my birth, and my stay in my mothers womb.
About a month and a half a ago I was frustrated though, I was having intense nightmares every night for two weeks straight, and my eye was twitching every day for weeks as well. I was trying so hard to be positive and focus on my purification and release, but I couldn’t sleep at night. Which caused me sleep deprivation and feel cranky and unhealthy in the day.
I recently started to do spiritual coaching calls with a dear sweet modeling friend, who also was cleansing. She was letting her onlyfans burn to the ground, and focusing on her spiritual coaching career. She happened to text me one morning when I was so tired and stressed, crying my eyes out because I was yelling at my kid over something really stupid and I know he wasn’t misbehaving I was just exhausted. So I had tears of guilt and helplessness. I was just thinking of this friend of mine and wishing I could talk to her too, her little witchy sensors went off and she ended up reaching out to me right when I needed her.
I told her about my eye twitch and the nightmares. I told her I’m trying to be positive and focus mentally. She asked if she could give me a call. When I answered she asked me one simple question, “Do you feel like you are being tormented?” Immediately I said yes, because I know my strong positive mind was trying to push forward, but I was literally having dreams about ghosts and demons messing with me. Then she asked a next question which triggered me, “What is your relationship like with Christ?” My heart started to beat fast, and I told her it was indifferent. That I have nothing against Jesus, but I don’t pray to him. I told her I was raised Christian but that religion was a real trigger for me. That it didn’t make sense to me because Jesus was a man, and God existed longggg before he did. I also hated the sinner’s guilt, and how women and sexuality were painted evil in the Bible. My sexuality has always been my spirituality so it was a big no no for me to go down that Bible thumpin route.
Then she had a mind blowing conversation with me. She pointed out that I am a “witch” and how I love to work with angels and goddess, fairies, and light energy. Then she told me I don’t have to be a Christian, that I don’t have to listen to what people have told me about Jesus. That there had been many lies about him, and history had been hidden and rewritten.
She went on to explain Jesus Is an amazing light being and angel and I should add him to my prayers because of how powerful his light is. Then she said she really thinks I would vibe with Mary Magdelene. I giggled and told her I just bought a Virgin mother Mary necklace at the Mexico airport a few months before, but when I bought it I told myself it was to represent Mary Magdalene in fact. I mean, girl was supposedly a sex worker so I was like hell yea Mary Mag is my homie!
She told me they say Mary was a prostitute, but there is no actual proof of that. And she said she thinks Mary was his wife and that they were both powerful spiritual beings and that they did sex magic together. SEX MAGIC!? Now I was really listening. She explained people are just assholes, and nobody wants to admit Jesus had a wife because everyone wanted him to seem like this holy pure virgin magic man, but the truth….
So this really opened my heart and mind. It felt like I was just told the TRUE story of Mary and Jesus, one that I actually agreed with and felt like I could truly believe in my heart. I told her I stayed away from churches and Jesus anything for so long because of being a sex worker I was not willing to go near anything that would shame me.
But I don’t know, for some reason this young and beautiful woman telling me this alternate reality about Jesus and Mary, then advising me to try doing prayer work with them, really made a light bulb go off for me. She even told me about a woman who had Mary Magdelene meditation courses online and that I may want to check it out. She also referred me her friend who does spiritual energy clearing calls.
I checked out the site first and fell in love. It was all about Mary Magdalene, and FEMININE Christ energy. The meditations all talked about clearing spiritual wounds, connecting with the Earth’s Crystalline energy, and honoring your yoni and sexual fire. I was like what!? Some holy pure white like Christ energy, but I can still be sexual? I was hooked this was a way to connect to God, Jesus and Mary without negativity I was all in. I spent the next week being still, and secluded, sitting in my RV and getting through the meditations and cleansing layer after layer of my soul. Letting go of everything. I drove to the top of the Blue Ridge Parkway and cried my eyes out about a bad sexual trauma experience I had when I was 14, and I never cried about. I let go of assumptions and hang ups I had. I worked through a bunch.
Then I had a call with the woman she recommended I do a session with. Her name was Gabriel, and as we were trying to start the call we kept getting disconnected. She texted me and told me give her five minutes to pray and clear the air because it was the negative energies trying to put a block between us. Then we hopped on call with no interruptions the rest of the time.
As we got on the phone I told her who gave me her number, about the “torment” I was dealing with, and how I’m looking for a little extra prayer in my life. I told her finally about my reconnection with Jesus and Mary, everything. She explained the same thing happened to her when she was leaving sex work. All the demons that latch onto you from all the men you have experienced, don’t want you to leave. So she did a bunch of prayer for me, had me lay down and meditate while I listened to her. There were tears pouring out of my eyes and butterflies in my throat. She even started to pray in tongues, she warned me I might be scared hearing a different language but that she is just talking to my angels. During the prayer she said the most interesting thing. She said she saw me in a farm house one day, with a husband that I love. That he would be 5-6 years older than me, and that he was successful so I didn’t have to pay bills anymore. Though she said she saw me painting, making jewelry, and selling my creations online. That I made money now not because I NEEDED to, for bills or survival because I had a husband that would take care of that for me, but because I wanted to make my own money. To always have a little bit of my own no matter what. Then she said she saw me with a baby, having another kid, and even went as far as to say I was going to have a daughter. I smiled so excited to hear all this, I didn’t know this woman at all, and if you are one of my close friends you KNOW it’s my dream to live on a farm one day. Also, before I started modeling I used to have an Etsy shop where I made clothes, costumes, art, and spiritual items and that I am dying to get back into that as my main full time income, even more than my modeling career. And I also dream of falling in love one day. I have been married twice before age 30, but both of those were purely out of feeling “guilty and obligated.” So Kitty Kitty here has never been in real love before. As fucked as the world can be I always still dream and hope I might get that miracle one day.
After the call I continued my prayers and meditations. I went to my local witchy shop and got imagery, books, crystals, candles, etc all in theme of Jesus and Mary. I set up my new alter space, I even pulled out a gold cross necklace that my dad wore my whole life until he gave me when I was 18. Which the same necklace used to be my birth dads, but my adopted dad bought it off of him when I was a baby. I guess my birth dad was broke and about to pawn it, so his brother (my adopted dad) wouldn’t let him.
In those two weeks when I was having nightmares every night, I dreamt about being surrounded by demons at my childhood home and a man spoke to me, I couldn’t see him but I could hear him and I saw a hand reach into a random spot in the air and pull out this same gold cross necklace and handed it to me and told me to pray with it to make all the demons go away. And I started to pray holding the necklace, all the demons were sucked away into space, and I woke up from that dream. So after going through all these Jesus and Mary talks and prayers I knew I had to pull out this necklace and set it up in the new alter. It was like, Jesus and Mary have been calling to me.
A big part of my cleansing was for sex. Being a sex worker, and just an active woman in general since I lost my virginity as a teen, I had a lot of energy to let go. And any woman reading this knows, there are so many times in our lives we have let a man touch us when we didn’t want to. Almost everyone woman I know actually has some sort of abuse that happened to them whether when they were a kid or an adult. I was abused by a group of men when I was 14 and ran away from home for a week. There were so many other times I have let men have access to me even when I simply didn’t want to, but I did it out of fear to say no. The societal habit, or curse, upon women to be afraid to stand up to men. I had a guy in the porn industry tell me once, “It’s so easy, you just say no.” I got so pissed off to have a man say that to me, I went on to explain it is NOT always easy to say no. And sometimes when you do say no, men don’t care and keep trying anyways. As a woman it gets harder n harder to fight the harder thy press it onto us. Most of us have trauma and triggers, which make it even harder to say no. It’s almost like a fight or flight reaction and sometimes we stay complacent out of unsure which is the best way to survive.
So I prayed to Jesus and Mary to protect my yoni, cleanse my yoni, to wrap it up in protection. To not let so many have access anymore, to give me strength to say no, to give my boundaries strong walls.
I told all of this to one of my longest time suitors. He has always been a good friend, and loves to hear all my spiritual endeavors. So he wanted to do something special for me. He wanted a booking but he didn’t want to have sex. I told him, “Come on now, I need some dick” in a sweet and joking manner. He was someone that respected my body and I didn’t mind sharing with him, I wasn’t quite ready to become a celibate nun or anything yet lol! He insisted there was no pressure, that he would hold me and wipe my tears the whole time if I just needed to let anything out. He just wanted to be a friend, and give me a shoulder.
So it was time for us to meet, at the first hotel we ever met at years ago. Crazy to think I’ve known him for four years now. We have had so many awesome adventures together, he had given me so many new experiences. He is the one in my blog titled “Mr.Big” if you want to read more about my time with him!
When I walked into the hotel room, it was dark, and there was soft meditative music playing. As my eyes traced around the room there were candles everywhere, and two dozen roses on the bed. He was sitting in the back of the room, leaning back towards the wall. Sitting there in silence, with a soft smile looking at me as I entered. I could see his sweet, sparkling eyes looking at me as I giggled and came inside putting my stuff down. He walked right up to me and I slid into his arms. We had a kiss and nice hug before he guided me over to the bed. He wanted to give me a nice relaxing massage, to give me peace, I stripped down to nothing but my thong and teased him about his clothes. He said he wanted to keep his clothes on though, that this session was really about ME. He wanted to honor my new space, and boundaries.
I laid down on the bed in the dark hotel room, feeling like I was in a spa with the peaceful music playing. I loved seeing the magical glow of the candles all around me. He bought coconut oil for me like a specifically requested, and started to give me a full body rub down. He gave me an actual good massage, not like the kind most guys do. Where they just rush through it while they are rubbing their hard dick on my butt cheek and dying to get sex started. He actually took his time and slowly rubbed each and every limb, finger, and toe I have. He even grabbed a rose and slowly ran it down my body a few times, blessing me with Mary Magdalene’s rose energy. I specifically requested red roses too because that was the meditation symbol mostly used when doing the Mary meditations.
Then he flipped me over the rub the front of my body, I slipped my thong off because it was in the way and I just wanted to be full nude and relax. I opened my eyes a couple times to look up at him while he looked down at me and my body. I could see the care in his eyes, truly putting a sweet energy into the massage.
As he was rubbing me I could tell he was avoiding touching my breast, he didn’t want to make it sexual. So I grabbed his hand and put it on my chest and slowly moved it back and forth so he could rub my breast too. It felt so good, and warm, and nurturing. I was honestly starting to get horny and anxious the more he rubbed me but avoided going to a sexual place, so I eventually grabbed his hand and placed it on my yoni. I know it was intended to be a no sex session but I wanted complete pleasure anyways.
He slowly started to rub my vulva, and eventually his fingers traced down my pussy and slid inside me. Little soft moans came out of me, and he went on to give me a lovely yoni massage. He has seen me for years so he knows my body well, and my patterns, pressure, etc. so he did his work, me flat on the bed, him on his knees next to me hovering over my body as he reached inside me to please me. His hands did the combination of motions I needed, and then I finally came. We could both feel the liquid ooze out of me as I tightened, squeezing his legs and arms with my hands, looking him in the eye and moaning. He smiled with satisfaction, and laid down next to so we could cuddle as my orgasm passed.
Then the most interesting thing happened. I gave him a few kisses but we ended up just laying there in bed together, staring into each other’s eyes. I am not sure if it was for 10 min, 20 min, or 40 min. But we looked into each other’s eyes in silence for a very long time. This was the longest I have ever looking into anyone’s eyes. It was like we were telepathically talking, like we knew we needed no words for that moment. I felt one single tear drop slowly creep out from my eye and slide down my cheek. He smiled when he saw it. We just kept staring, listening to the soft music, breathing, and feeling the candle glow all around.
Then I whispered to him I wanted him to make love to me. He asked if I was sure, that it was supposed to be about me. I told him I wanted cock, so he needed to fess up lol! Of course I wanted to ravage this man after such a beautiful sexual and spiritual experience! So then we made our love, until he came, which didn’t take toooo long of course. (As I have that effect on the male species.) But I was satisfied. I got some sacred cock for our little casted circle of sex magic we had going on in that room.
After we were done he went and showered, then he drew a bath for me. He told me to stay and lay on the bed with the roses til it was ready. Once he said my bath was ready, I walked in and there was a hot steaming both with rose petals floating everywhere in the water, candles strewn all over the room, and a pile of bath salts, soaps, and a sponge all brand new for me to enjoy my bath fully. I smiled in delight of course and was extremely happy to get this goddess treatment. I dipped into the water and leaned back for more relaxation. He went to the room and quietly got dressed, with care, as if he was in a temple and couldn’t be too loud to disturb the Queen. As he passed by the bathroom all dressed in his nice work clothes, he stopped and wished me a relaxing bath. He slipped out the door and then I laid there alone. I usually would have pulled my phone out to do a shoot of me in the sexy little rose petal bath, but I didn’t want to work. I just wanted to simply enjoy the moment so I did. I stayed in til I couldn’t anymore, and when I was nice and cooked I got out and got dressed. I left to my car, and hit the road to head home as I had a two hour drive back.
The whole ride home I thought about us staring into each other’s eyes in total silence. I was in awe of such a beautiful moment, I prayed to Jesus and Mary, and thanked them for the beautiful sexual experiences I was starting to have since they have come into my life.
I will never forget, which is why I want to write about it too. This experience had to go down in the books lol! This whole spiritual awakening, and this beautiful erotic time I had that felt like a ceremony to celebrate my new sexual path. It was all great, the same suitor is the one who paid for my flight to Spain and booked me a private tour of the Sagrada Familia church. So it was so cool to be pulled towards this Christ energy experiences, that heal my sexuality instead of batter it. It has been feeling good to finally feel whole again, and not separated in my soul anymore. To work with some of the most brightest angels (that we know of.) I feel truly blessed.
Oh, and I stopped having nightmares every night and and my eye twitch went away from the first day I added Jesus and Mary into my life. As soon as I did my prayers to them, it cleared away some of the fog that’s has been surrounding me.
I am still a little witch, I’ll still do my rituals for the season changes, and earth energy, fairies and other angels. But now I just feel stronger because I can finally connect to the being that I always personally called, “The greatest witch mankind has ever known.”
To also connect with Mary, the underrated and overlooked woman of biblical history. In my heart I know she was An amazing woman that was simply judged and swept under the rug because she existed in a time of such sexism.
I have personally always connected with female figures that have gone through judgment from their powerful sexual energy. From the Salem witches to Marilyn Monroe. These matters of feminism I hold close to my heart.
Now I pray and hope for ONLY beautiful sexual experiences as such. I have no interest in quick and raunchy hookups. I only want partners who want to orgasm in the light with me. So I am excited to see what lovely erotic times are coming for me. Though, I wait patiently, and in peace.