The full moon is bright. I can feel parts of me dying. Old parts of me. I am really sad about it, and its really painful. Sometimes death is necessary for rebirth. For the cycle to recycle. I have done this a few times before but I feel like for the first time I am going to actually follow through with it. I can feel a whole new cycle coming.
Five years ago next month I will have been a cam model for five years! What an amazing five years it has been. I have been in Playboy, Hustler, and Naked News TV. I have traveled all over the US and even to another country. I have gotten spoiled with gifts and costumes I couldn't afford to create on my own. I have been given the opportunities to be my OWN model, create my own shows, bring my fantasies and many other peoples fantasies to life! I have been able to express my lil hyper sexual self in a safe way, at home with my self. I have been able to let loose the wild wolf woman in my soul, be my raw true self, to grow stronger and stronger in confidence and grace.
Though, my life is passing, and I am not able to reach the goals I really want to reach. My kid gets older every day, I go in cycles of being in and out of debt but not settling and really growing anything either. So I worry, and I want to do more. I also am tired of giving all myself away. My life has been about making men happy the past ten years. I want to finally make MYSELF happy. To be comfortable and have my body to myself 24/7. To have that sacredness back. My temple doors to be closed and guarded. I love to have sex and masturbate but not EVERY day necessarily. After five years of it consistently it starts to get to your head and body. I also see how much more I enjoy my partner when I don't masturbate on cam all day. My clit isn't numb from a vibrator, and I feel more sensitive. I also love how much more my partner appreciates me when I don't. He has not ever tried to approach me and ask me to stop doing what I do. He has been very sweet and helpful, but at the end of the day I realize I am not starting to feel good about it anymore. Which is hard for me to accept because I spent YEARS convincing myself this is what I was born to be.
I feel life pulling one of those layers back though you know? I am sad I haven't reached my MAIN goals as an adult star by winning an AVN award after being nominated for years, or becoming Miss Myfreecams after streaming on there for years... but I also realize I am not reaching my other goals ! Of growing as a cosplay model, or Twitch Streamer. I never get to paint anymore, or make costumes for women and babies on Etsy! I never got to finish my birth doula schooling, and I haven't been able to start my Permanent Makeup business...oh and my photography business or finish my real estate studying. I don't feel like a failure because I do have a great thing going, though I just want to do something creative so bad! Create with my hands.
I am NOT disappearing from the internet! I am not going to stop being a model! I am still trying to figure out what I am going to do. Though pretty much ending XXX live shows and custom videos. I am taking a last few custom video requests at $500 for 20-30 min videos. Aside from that I am pushing myself to get up and practice tattoo everyday! I am going to try to set up a Twitch schedule, and I am going to open a NEW non nude (very sexy and lewd still) fanclub!! I am trying to figure out where to do the cosplay club. Patreon, onlyfans, or right on my website. Maybe use all three and monetize all I can ! Patreon is great for dropping photos and sending out monthly prints. onlyfans is great for digital content a place to just post stuff for viewing. Then right on my website I can just have a KittyQuinn.com direct website for those who don't want to or cant use patreon or onlyfans. I do know Fansly is a new platform growing though its a little complex and I prefer simpler platforms if I am going to run so many, ya know?
So I'll be pushing photo prints signed again, calendars, twitch stream, a cosplay fan club support, stickers, clothes, etc! I will blog official announcements to my changes, this is more of a warm up. Just sharing my thoughts with you all. I can't lie I am REALLY scared because I pay my bills with my XXX content.. and I am in a rushhhh to make $4000 to pay off a lease breaking fee on my credit report that is preventing me from renting a house. So I am nervous I won't be able to continue my efforts to pay that off. That is when I mentally slapped myself in the face and said NO. You are a talented and SMART woman. There are a ton of ways to make a LOT of money without having to show my pussy to do it. So I feel like I am putting on armor and heading to a battle field. Where I have to fight my own demons...fears and doubts...I have to push myself to win. To really win in life. It is not easy AT ALL what I do, but I will admit for me it has been fun and easy. I need to push myself to do the shit that's HARD, that I think I can't do. So I ...CAN. I don't know I am not one to sit aside and accept a normal life. I want an amazing one, and I know I have to create it. I also want mental peace and harmony, I want spiritual balance. There is nothing worse than meeting the love of your life, but feeling constantly sad because you feel kike you can never trust him. Because you are online seeing how married men can have porn obsessions behind their wives backs. So I am constantly in a dark and untrusting place in my mind. I have been stuck in this mental prison and I just want to have my innocence back. My ignorance. That shit is real when they say ignorance is bliss. I love the world of sex and I want to be apart of it still. I hope to take sexy nude pics until I am old, grey, and wrinkled. I want to always inspire women to keep their strength and sexual power. Just typing that I am like whoa, I have always said that. I want to inspire women. Yet all I have done is focused on inspiring men and making them feel good. Causing women to feel untrusting of me. Not all though. I have to admit my family has been so supportive of my career choice. I won't lie and say it hasn't caused weird situations to happen socially for me though. Being a mom, I just want my kid to have an awesome life. Community, family and friends. Yes I can find other cam models to be friends with in life, and other people who accept every nasty little thing of me on the internet. But the TRUTH is it is rare to find a local cam model friend, and it is rare to find people who are as open minded as me. Does it mean I conform to make others happy? No, its called growing and changing to make myself happy, and my family. To get past my pride, and open my self up to the world. Stop giving everyone only one way to see me.
So I just want to go deeper. I miss doing my pagan rituals under the moon connecting to the earth, I miss doing arts and crafts with my kid, I miss exploring nature and learning new things. I have been stuck in this little adult industry bubble and I want to break free. I want to expand my wings even further than ever before. I want to fly to further heights than I have ever been. It is SO scary to take this jump. But I am taking it, wish me luck?