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The Ups & Downs of 2019 for me

Updated: Aug 9, 2020

 It has really been a wild year for me. So much has happened, and not happened. It goes to show you just have to go with the flow and accept change. Thank goodness I have been practicing the concepts of law of attraction, power of now, staying positive, etc. for the past few years or else I would have gone mad. Regardless, I have been on a hell of a ride of emotions and events since it started. But, then what stories would I  have to tell you guys? :)

     I will try not to get to carried away and make this to long. I love to write, I love sharing the little details that run through my head. Though, I try to make it fun to read. Let me know if you like my quick blogging! Anyhoo, the beginning of this year I was living in a trailer in the mountains. Cam modeling non stop of coarse, getting settled being back up here. I had been previously living in Augusta, Orlando, and Miami the past year. We knew we wanted to raise our son here, and we couldn't keep moving around. We had to settle our roots to create a home for our family. 

     So I had an offer from Say Yes to the Dress:Atlanta. No way! Yep, my husband and I have recently done a photoshoot trip at The Castle of Joy and the owners loved us. So when the tv show hit them up looking to do a unique spectacular wedding at their castle, they instantly thought of us. They knew we already got married, but maybe we could do an anniversary cosplay wedding. We were in, a party to celebrate our love, and a shot at being on a big tv show. This was going to be great for my Kitty Quinn brand, it was going to get me exposure, people would see me work, this was my chance.

       So a lady from the show production emailed me about doing a skype call interview. In the very first response I told her my story, and I told her I was a cam model. Not that I would mention  that on the show if they didn't want me to, I could just say that I am a cosplay model. She was said it was fine and we did the call. It went great, her cat was meowing and crawling on her the whole call. She had the biggest smile on her face she was so excited and thought my husband and I were so cool. She would proceed to tell me about her and her husband doing costumes too. 

      So we were in, they set a date for me to come to Atlanta and pick the dress, they told us they needed it filmed by May so only a few months away so we had to do it all quick. They also needed me to bring some women with me to help me pick the dress. That part was hard because all my family lived in Florida and I didn't know many people up here. I was able to get one fellow mama friend to agree to go with me, regardless of living a half hour away from me and needing to drive over 4 hours to get to Atlanta. 

        The castle was hooking us up with their own decor, and got a free hookup for photographers, and food. They knew a catering company that would cook a big pig with an apple in it's mouth which seemed appropriate for the wedding location and theme, and all we had to do is worry about music on a mp3 player and bringing any beverages. 

    We had to decide costumes, well I had to get a dress from their shop so we had to figure out my husbands costume. The one catch waas that we would have to pay for the dress I pick at the shop..and those are THOUSANDS of dollars, it was worth it though to us, just for the opportunity.  We decided to do an Elf Queen and Dwarf King. That way I could wear ears with whatever dress I ended up picking and would still fit in with all the costume stuff, and dwarf for hubby because he just looks perfect as one and it would fit well with my elf. We ordered real $1000 armor for him, tunic, boots, etc. We knew we were going to be on national tv, we wanted to look our best. We told all our families and friends about the event. We were so proud and excited, especially since we are so new in what we do. It was like hey look everyone, we are getting offers, our work is professional and legit, can't you see? Not that we should care what our families think but we do love them and want to make them proud. 

          They had to reschedule the dress shop filming date a few times. I was so anxious but it was tv production, that shit just happens. It was about two days before the date finally, I don't remember but I think it was in Feb or March at this point.. and I get the email. I get an email saying that they went online and looked through my stuff. They said they can not have me on the show because of it, that they didn't mind the implied nudes but once they saw I do sexual performances for public viewing (either they found my cam show/vid store or some clips I have on Pornhub) that  in this light they would be making this decision and choose not to work with me. 

       My heart dropped down to my stomach. First I felt so much anger, because I told this bitch from the first email that I was a cam model and did nude adult modeling.  Then I was angry that I was being discriminated against, straight up because I am a sex worker. After that I was sad, and ashamed. We had to cancel with all our fam and friends, and tell them why we got dropped from the show. We spent  over $1000 we didn't have on my husband costume and our crowns, we opened credit lines to buy when already in at least 20k debt already. I felt scammed. I feel mistreated. I was sooo let down. I was like how is the world going to see me now! I would have to wait for my destined success a bit longer.

       That had me really down for a bit, I was depressed. Weeks to a month later, I got an instagram message. It was a photographer offering me a spot on a tv show that was supposed to be located in Japan. That 20 american girls would be flying there for 3 months, training at a wrestling school, and doing mud wrestling at a club in town. Also, it was going to be a reality show. I would be on tv, and gain international exposure, AND get 10k a month plus a percentage from the club bar and tv reality show. Yes! The heavens dropped me a new opportunity, if I would have done the say yes to the dress thing I would of had to stay in  the country and I would not of been able to take  the Japan offer since they had to leave in April. Everything happens for a reason, look something better came along.

     I got in contact with the guy in charge, his lawyer, and the film crew as well as the models. Contracts were sent out and signed, visa applications were put in. Over several months I started getting ready for Japan, I  was so excited I have always wanted to go all my life. Everyone who knew me as a teen knows I was super inspired by anime, hentai, jRock and harajuku fashion. I almost went to college in Japan! Until my dad cried and begged me not to go, haha. I bought a laptop, with yes money I didn't have, on a new credit card. But it was really important I took my cam show and fanclub with me to edit and stream. I was planning to double work, no matter what opportunity I get I always have my Kitty Quinn brand in mind. That is me, my business baby, and my biggest hopes for in life to become successful with.

     I was so ready. But over those months every date planned to fly over there kept getting postponed a month later, and later. I was getting restless, I was offered to guest at Force Con in Mexico City in September so I didn't want to answer about that yet in case the Japan thing got pushed forward through that time. They kept reassuring me, and that it was tv and how it just goes. I remembered say yes to the dress and was certain I just had to be patient. It was a brand new show, brand new club.. they would send pics of the mud wrestling ring and the new empty club they were buying. It was all gravy.

      Then I get the text, they couldn't get the work visas approved so they decided to move the show to Korea. I was so bummed, and I said to myself I knew it. I saw the signs, and the struggle. The events weren't flowing right, and I felt this in my heart but I was in denial. I wasn't trusting my intuition the whole time. I said I didn't want to do the show anymore, I wanted to go to Japan not Korea. I was also sick of waiting, and revolving my whole year around it, and turning other opportunities away. Aside from the convention offer, I was also offered photoshoots  and to be involved in a film project during the summer, though I turned it down due to my "better" opps in line. 

      I was really sad. My husband and son were surely happy... especially my son. Can you imagine we have been such a  tight nit family since the start, and I would of had to leave my baby for three whole months. It probably would of traumatized him. We are so close and connected, even when I go on trips longer than 3 or 4 days he gets sick, everrryytimmeee. So they were happy the stress of me leaving my family alone was out of the air. I was honestly relieved about that also,  I was still sad again though.  My other big tv show opportunity, my exposure, my open door, slammed right in my face.  I felt so weak, I still do to this day sometimes. It was like the universe was teasing me, and playing with me, or maybe even testing me. I would look to the sky with misty eyes and ask why? Why me? Why all these tests? 

    I had to move on and be strong though. I was let down about the open door I saw but was out of my reach. The chance to get my family out of debt finally. To be able to get us equipment we need to move forward. To grow, to be seen, to be known. All efforts to just one day be able to buy a house for our son. That is all we ever wanted. But, I had to remember the law of attraction. It was constantly working so I had to force myself to stay positive and make a new plan, accept the change because if I fought it I would just be sad all the time. 

    I took that offer for The Force Con in Mexico City. They would cover my flight and hotel/food, as well as pay me fifty bucks a day. It was basically for the opportunity so I bought costumes all summer long to get ready. I also paid $800 to fly my husband with me since he is fluent and spanish and would make me feel safer. I ended up having to cancel after months of promoting I would be going, because my closest family to babysit was a state away and it was to much of a mission to try to make the trip happen. We also knew my son would probably get sick without us like he always does on our big long trips, we didn't want to even think of stressing him out like that yet.  So I canceled my convention appearance.

   After that I learned to just focus on my brand. Focus on my own shit, I keep thinking these other companies will make me successful when in truth my supporters from the sex industry has been the ones who got me where I was. I wasn't rich, I was living in a trailer, in debt, but I had a roof over my family's head, food in the fridge, a bag of weed, and the opportunity for my husband and I to work together, as artists, doing what we love, and at home. Getting to be together as a family all the time was the biggest benefit at all, we were blessed, while other parents have to go to work and their kids go to daycare, we got to be there with our son every day all day (as tiring as it is) and raise him ourselves, we couldn't be happier.

     So after all that, I switched my focus back to Kitty Quinn. I decided to start taking care of myself. Getting my nails and hair done, buying costumes and lingerie. I knew if I wanted my business to grow I needed to pull back, and focus on myself for a bit. Make myself strong, and a true queen if I wanted to be one. To become so powerful, smart, and beautiful as a model and business woman that the right opportunities would fall into my lap. Ones that were better for my family, business, and me. I wouldn't have to feel like I am crawling up a broken ladder to get to where I would want to go. When the time is right, and I am the right place, I will walk through the right door.

     So over the summer I took up a "secret life" and moved away from camming. I did offline work, that way I can be missed by my fans and become more exclusive, that way when I get back on I can raise my show rates and be able to make more. I had been camming non stop since Nov '16 and when I first started I did my goals and sold all my videos SO cheap it was so hard to move my rates over the years because I built a fanbase of cheap viewers, no offense I love them all and EVERY dollar counts and adds up. But if I wanted to get out of debt and move out of my check to check phase I would have to change some things.

     So I made a brave move to move away from my regular work schedule. I put faith that I was doing the best thing for me, and my business. I spent the summer focusing on me. Like I said I started taking myself to get my nails and hair done. I got myself a few nice  things to wear instead of wearing the same workout clothes all the time. I started reading more self growth books. I spent hours in day dreams and spiritual contemplations. I traveled to different big cities, met different people, got off my computer and started to explore the world and myself. 

     I got my family out of debt, I moved us out of our hot shitty trailer and into a nice 2 bedroom apartment. I got rid of our old crashed car and got a new safe one. I upgraded all of our business equipment, lights, cam, lenses, backdrops, stands, etc. I went through all my clothes and costumes and got rid of all that didn't serve me anymore. I changed my website completely,  I moved my fanclub to a whole new platform. I got my old crappy tattoos covered, and finished my sleeve. I also got rhinoplasty which helped me a TON to be able to move forward in being confident in modeling. I also decided that I was tired of living on eggshells, always worried about whether or not I would be successful because of my adult work. I realized that was why I was successful. I was tired of being ashamed for who I was, so I decided to bring my adult videos back up. I put nude photos all over my website without worry of being innapropriate.  

      I also ripped myself open this year emotionally and spiritually. I expressed to my partner all my grief and confusion as a wife. Not that I didn't love him, it was just so hard getting married and becoming a mommy so young. I never got to figure out who I am or what I wanted in life before I was given my roles. He was so good and patient, stood by me the whole time and supported me as I ran through these emotions which I have been running through over and over through the years but this year it seemed to climax, something inside me rose to the surface and I had to face it.

    I also finally opened up about my sexual abuse from when I was 14. (The story is in a previous blog.) So that was a revelation I didn't realize til this year, and I opened up about it too. So even though it happened 12 years ago, realizing it now made it feel like it was recent and happened this year. 

  Along the whole way, I am mommy too. So I enrolled my son into one school that was on a farm, he hated it because it was cold and muddy and they were forced to stay outside every day even in the winter. So we took him out, which for that school meant we had to still pay the next month and cancel a contract so it made us feel bad. I put him in taekwondo since he always wanted to be a ninja, he did it for months and got metals & did the competitions, eventually he got sick of it. He wanted to just play with kids, he never gets to so we pulled him out another contract, and we felt guilty again..like we felt like quitters but we were just trying to be good parents and  listen to our son is all. Rather than force him to do what we think is right for him, let him tell us what makes him happy and grow best. So for months I had him in nothing and just homeschooling with me, but I felt so guilty being so busy all the time and he never gets to play with any kids. I had to find a new flexible daycare/preschool to put him in. At last, a place he liked. It is so stressful when you're a parent, and worried about your child's wellbeing and mental health. You know they are little sponges growing up and afraid to make the wrong move. As you can see all my efforts and worry in life is mostly focused around being a good mom.

     So I have ran through SO many emotions this year. I have been through some highs and lows. There are probably other small events that happened, that are not significant enough in this moment for me to remembered, but they happened. 

    I am a lonely person, I have always been. Luckily I have my boys now, but they are all I really got. They are so sacred and precious to me. I have a lot of people who have wanted to create friendships over the years, but I have been so busy and focused on building my brand I haven't been able to make the time to create more relationships in my life. I want to be a great mother, so I have to do this. I HAVE to become successful, I have to make the money to get a house. I also am a big beleiver in the world is changing so the survival mode inside myself feels I need to get a house in the country for the sake of my families lives in the long run. There is no other option in my mind, I will not take the paved road, the ordinary route that society wants me to take. I am going to get there, and do it MY WAY.

   A lot has been learned this year. Follow my intuition. To appreciate what I have, my husband and son. Go with the flow, and accept  change whether you understand it or not. Trust that everything that happens is for the better of my journey, even if I see it now or not. Also to believe in myself, and keep going. Even when the Japan thing fell through, my mother was happy and said that it was good so I could focus on my stuff. She explained how she was amazed by my pictures/cosplay and thought I had something really good going. That touched my heart because for YEARS my mom has been trying to get me to go to college, and has been weird in conversations about my work. For the first time ever my mom sounded proud and supportive of my sex work. 

       I am grateful for all the lessons I learned this year. The universe showed me my success is within myself, and my own talents. Between my physical changes, equipment upgrade, and all the new costumes I have gotten I can now move forward to create more success for myself and my family. Next month we are traveling to shoot with a famous photographer as well, so that will be awesome exposure and a fun new modeling opportunity for me. 

   Aside that my year is open, and I am just focusing on getting my cam show back up and running soon as well as keep making my sets/vids. Over the past few months my family has gotten really obsessed with Elvis. My son has bought the costume, we listen to the music and watch his shows/music every day. The documentaries about Elvis and how things were for him personally. It has been such a nice distraction. Elvis was an underdog, a nobody just like me...who chased his dreams, regardless of early controversy and became a king. It has inspired me, to becoming the queen I want to be. 

   

     So things are looking up, a part of me still wants to be upset at the downs that happened this year, but the ups over power it all. I know that if I want to attract the best life I dream  of, I have to stay positive, and believe I will get there, and enjoy myself along the way. We are alive, healthy, and together, and that is all that really matters. Are you living your best life?

Til we chat again my friends, xoxo

P.S. Would you like to help sponsor our Graceland road trip?! By joining my fanclub, buying something off my website store, or donating to my Paypal you are supporting my work as well as helping mesave for one of my dream family trips. My paypal is Kittyxquinn@gmail.com (donate as family and friends or they take a charge out) Nothing is ever expected but we couldn't have gotten here without the support so we thank those who have already through the years! Thank you! 

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