This is a question I have been asking myself for days now. After getting a phone call from a client who expressed it made him feel weird. I know we all want to get angry and stand up for my rights right away, and we can all say "Well, he can just not read it then." At the end of the day though, even if one does not continue to read my stories, is one all it takes to change things?
So I have been a cam model for six years this November. (I will announce a special cam anniversary show soon!) So I have always been an adult industry content creator. I added luxury companionship into my life a few years ago and started a blog with all my amazing stories. I deleted it when I retired for a little while and got into a monogamous relationship. Which I regret doing both those things, but I started a new blog in the past couple months. I have SO much more I want to write, there are only a handful of blogs up...but they take me hours to do so it has been a slow start.
Now that I am writing, I am seeing the first back lash of it... a client telling me he felt "weird" about it. Which meant jealous. It triggered me right away... as earlier this year when I became single the first time in a decade I decided to make a male female sex tape with a fellow Onlyfans Creator. When this happened I thought I would suddenly make more money and a whole new beautiful world would open up for me. Instead, many of my top online supporters got jealous and then the guy I was seeing casually in person got jealous. Ouch, another strike on me for taking the brave route of being in the adult industry.
What triggered me even more about a new guy getting jealous of me doing my thing, was the traumatizing year I just came out of last year. I was in a monogamous relationship with a guy who was constantly jealous of my nude/cam modeling. Who tried to make me leave the industry completely, and made me feel the worst I ever did in my whole life. All because I was so open sexually, even if I was monogamous, just speaking alone would make him feel insecure and inferior. All my beautiful experiences. All my wisdom. Everything that I've done, felt, smelled, and tasted scared the living shit out of him.
I think jealousy is perfectly natural. Even I, someone who has spent all of my life building up my confidence to defend myself from that horrible emotion, still get's jealous. Like when I meet amazing new men that are married, I know at the end of the date they are walking away from me to go home to their wives. Or when a client and I exchange stories from bookings, and I hear they have done things for providers that nobody has done for me yet. I certainly get jealous! If it wasn't for this blog, I think all of you would honestly have no clue how deep it is inside of me. I am the best actress, and you would never assume I am thinking that deeply when I am sitting there smiling at you with a light and bubbly demeanor taking you out and into another realm.
But something happened to me recently. Something inside of me unlocked, snapped, opened, and released. Suddenly I experience life, people, personalities, emotions, and everything in a different way. I can see further into people and situations than I used to before. Now I think wow, ignorance is bliss and oh how do I miss that. But do I really miss that? No! I love being able to see through everything up front and NOT allowing myself to fall into negative situations that are really learning lessons. I guess... I learned my lesson now so I am not going to repeat making those mistakes ever again.
It is intense though writing these blogs, opening such a BIG door inside myself for all of you to walk through and into. Sharing my most precious secrets, with no reservations, not holding back my every thought and memory whether it is good or bad. I feel like I've staked myself up on display for all to see, even through the aches and pains of life, I stand up here before everyone with my arms wide open, still trying to keep my peace. Even with the figurative nails through my wrists and ankles. I sacrifice a lot to live this life, and it isn't even all selfishly for me. I do it for you all, for the world too. So many people are afraid to live their life to the fullest, so many people are afraid to be themselves. Sometimes we just can't do it til we see someone else do it. Until we feel safe.
I didn't wait for security. I am a single mother, and even my ex husband can barely pay his $400 a month in child support. I don't have a group of girlfriends to run back my thoughts and plans with. My family is all in Florida, and I don't have a therapist. At most I have what I call my temple, and that is my pole dancing school. I would say that, and my 8 year old and my dog. So even the two little beings in my life that are my rock, depend on me. They look up to me. So I am out here a lonely captain with a small crew, having no clue where I am sailing but I am looking for new land. Looking where I want to plant my queendom.
I have had a hell of a life. Growing up in a broken household with alcoholic-pill addict-gambling addict mother wasn't easy. She had my dad, sister and I all on edge. So we all kind of backed into our own corners. My sister, is actually my cousin, and we are both adopted by our Uncle. Because her mom AND my dad couldn't take care of us. (My crazy ass Puerto Rican side of the family.) So my sister (really my cousin) knew she was adopted growing up, and I didn't. This affected everything and she HATED me growing up. She was my biggest bully through my whole child hood, at home and at school. Crazy thing is we are now like besties but up until the end of high school she made me hate myself. So I was just emotionally alone growing up.
I ran away when I was 14 years old because my dad was so strict and I couldn't take it anymore. He was so obsessed with keeping me from boys and sex, that it ended up making me obsessed with boys and sex. It breaks my heart because now as an adult, and parent, I TOTALLY GET IT! Though that is just not how a teenagers brain is wired, I was a whole different person when I was a kid. So when I ran away, I was gone and sleeping in the streets for a week. I ended up getting sexually abused by a group of men.
I never told anyone for 12 years. (Not until I watched a recap of surviving R Kelly a few years ago, seeing all the women tell their stories it made me anxious to come out with mine.) All through high school after that I was disconnected, I quit band because my dad wouldn't let me go with my school band to march at Disney World. All because it was overnight, and there were boys, my dad said. So ever since then I spent the rest of my HS years constantly changing electives and trying to figure out something to make me happy. My few happiness' as a teen was music, and fashion. Even before I knew what cosplay was, I was tearing up, resewing, and painting my own unique outfits and accessories. I used to make alllll my own wooden bead jewelry, earrings, hairclips, etc. I also started to go to the library to eat lunch alone and read books on different spiritualities. This is how I got into Wicca, Paganism, and Native American Shamanism. This is when I started to connect to mother earth, and my higher self within and why I hold my spiritual interests so close to my heart. Gardening, making art, meditating, and casting spells were the only things that truly gave me comfort in those sad, lonely, dark teenage years for me.
I moved out the day I turned 18, before my senior year was even over. I also got my first tattoo that day, my red Pocahontas tattoo. I just wanted to be away from my parents so bad, now that I think back I was angry at them for being SO strict with me and not giving me more to do in my childhood to focus on learning and being a child. So I think I just wanted to leave to take care of myself. I knew I deserved a better life than that. Than the yelling and fighting, the lack of hope in life, all of that. I knew life was short, even as a teen and I wanted to not waste a minute of it.
So that is when I first started massage and escorting in Hollywood Beach, and Miami Beach Florida. That whole phase of my life has a bunch of wild stories! Which I will save for my book, or just another blog post. Though I only did it for a few months before I met my son's birth father at a spiritual drum circle ceremony I went to. He was 20 years older than me, but he looked only 10 years older at most. We got along great as friends and he offered me to stay with him so I didn't have to escort anymore. So then that happened, and that is how I ended up becoming a mommy. I ended up marrying him and we had 7 beautiful years together. Even though I was never in love with him, we had a great time having a baby together!
The last year of our marriage I openly did luxury companionship. He had my back through it even though he hated it. He would take all the addresses of where I would go, drop me off/pick me up from the airport, watch our baby anytime I needed, packed me bowls and drew me salt baths every time I came home from a booking. He learned photography and did all my shoots for years (and still does.) He helped me launch my entire modeling career, so I have him to eternally thank for that. And for giving me my amazing little king child.
Though, I was depressed for years when I was with him, even though I loved our family. There was an aching, and dying feeling inside of me. I was happy to be a mom, but I was SO anxious I was locked down into responsibility SO young. That I didn't get to go to college or have fun with friends. That I didn't get to go to concerts, or travel different countries. There was just so much I was missing out on, but I also knew I was having the adventure of family. Something people pray for every day. So I tried my best to always think, "The grass is greener where you water it."
But I cheated, and would tell him, and he would stay with me. I did it for years, until it led to me just openly doing companionship. So then I thought yay I have it all, I can have my cake and eat it too! I get my family life, and my freedom. It still wasn't enough though, there was something missing. LOVE. True love. I wanted to look over at my partner and think "Wow, I love him. He is the most handsome and wonderful man in the world." Instead I would look over in yes happiness to see my best friend, but disappointed it wasn't.....HIM. I could feel it in my gut, and I decided I didn't want to wait til my 50s to finally get a divorce. I was only young and hot once, the time was now!
So I left him and married some young asshole in Vegas! Who totally tried to tear me down and get me out of cam modeling. He didn't work, expected me to pay all the bills alone, AND suddenly switch to a different career that makes just as much money right away when I took YEARS to build this up. I am six years in on building my Kitty Quinn brand. Six years of making men cum virtually. Being a friend virtually. Entertaining virtually. A long exhausting six years of using everything inside myself to try to make people happy. Happy in a way most humans are afraid to attempt. I ripped my clothes off, and opened my heart to bare everything of myself to the world for six whole years now.
So from the lows of my childhood, to the highs of my adult hood and companionship life.. I want to write it all. I want to write all about it, get it out and share it with the world. Something about writing is therapeutic for me. Something about writing for entertainment, is a selfish pleasure of mine. I guess I enjoy human connection, and seeing how my life, or my words can affect other people. To get that reaction back, whether it is positive or negative it all makes me grow every day.
Writing is one of the ways I express myself. If you have been observing for at least a little while now, you can see I am a creature of honesty and expression. ESPECIALLY, after everything I am been through I have learned communication is one of the biggest keys to avoiding unnecessary heart ache. There are so many times in my life I wish I would of spoke up... I spent so many of my years since youth staying quiet, hiding myself from the world, and not speaking up for myself. So whether it is physically, or emotionally I REFUSE to ever let anyone hurt me again. My shield is tough, and my inner walls are very tall.
So I know my blogs may be very detailed, passionate, and powerful. But it is who I am, and I will no longer fight that. Maybe the way I type sounds different than how I speak in person when I am casually conversating and flirting. Maybe it is the voice of my higher self that comes out when I write. Maybe it is another entity that I download wisdom from. I don't fucking know ya'll! LOL
Either way, I am going to keep typing my heart away. It won't always be sex stories. Sometimes it will be my goals, dreams, wishes, and random thoughts of the day. For those who have been reaching out in messages telling me how much you enjoy my writing, thank you. Those who have been donating on paypal cashapp and venmo just because you have enjoyed my blogs, THANK you! It has been hard to find the time to write even though lately I have been aching inside until I feel the keyboard under my fingers. This is a completely free and open blog, so I don't profit off of it. I am in big time hustle mode though so I fight myself to sit down and make enough time for it, but it is my own guilty pleasure I am learning to give in to. I am also learning to let go and be as I am. To not be afraid to write because I am worried about what my clients will think. It is strange to talk about multiple people having access to my body, everyone feeling safe and clean with me. Trusting I do my regular testing, and using protection always. But it is still a thought that crosses my mind, I know those who don't meet with me in person could care less and love to hear all the details. But I hope to not ruin the relationships I have with my clients, I thank them for trusting me with their precious and beautiful bodies. I also hope they all know they are all so different, and so special. I really do enjoy each of them individually and all the experiences are unique. I have honestly been nervous, because I feel so blessed and have ONLY met amazing, and kind men since I got back into companionship. (And they all are packing LARGE too!) So I have moments where I am like whoa, I am making so much money now, and all these guys are so fabulous and handsome. What if they all stop booking me? What if they move on to the next companion soon? What if they get bored of me? What if they just all happen to be busy for the same few months?
I do grow and bond with the friendships I make in my bookings, so yea I do get sad when I don't get to see a familiar face for a while. Seeing my "regulars" are the closest thing I get to having my dream husband one day. A man who spoils the shit out of me financially, does nothing but worship my body when he is near it, and stays busy working to leave me to my freedom of being a feminine and sensual creature. Who doesn't want that ?! It gets so hard to tell my story over and over to new people, worrying if I am repeating things to my past clients because I am not sure who knows what about me. Then to see people leave and disappear in silence so easily after me bearing my heart and soul to them, because well it is just a part of this industry people come and go. Men love to open me up to take it all in, and then they walk away with it. Carrying the experience of me with them for inspiration, giving them strength to grow and figure out who they are in life. But me? I get left with this big wide open-ness, and then I am left alone with it. Nobody to help me fill it, I have to sit and relive all the emotions and memories. Even if they are inspiring, it is a lot to handle.
But we are all handling the same shit in the end. How to be a human, how to keep on going and feeling motivated to do it. Writing is one of those things that liberate me and give me fuel. So the blog is here to stay, even if I have days where I want to fight myself about it. It is all going to stay, in fact let us just say a bunch of this is for my future books I plan to write. Just taking notes here, don't mind me. :) -Kitty