Well well well, it has been quite a past month. I went from being stressed, confused, and behind on financials so bad to where I couldn't even get together an extra $300 for my son's school magnet school tuition for the next year to: high on life, happy, blissful, and overflowing with abundance in many areas of my life.
Since the beginning of the year it has been SUCH a roller coaster. Being single for the first time in a DECADE. Mourning the loss of old habits and situations I was accustomed to, mourning the old me, too. It was some HARD change that's for sure. Aside from physical changes, my outside surrounding environment I had to go through some internal rubbage as well. Seriously though, I went from staying on my parents' couch for a month to escape my emotionally abusive ex, to now counting stacks and sipping coffee in the peace of my own place. These are the days I will really never forget, the days that polish and shine me as a person for my future.
After I came back from my break at my parents, I tried to start my new life. Focusing on my son and myself, I had no car because I sold mine in the previous year so I could pay for my ex's car instead. So In those cold deep winter months of Jan and Feb I would wake up in the dark early mornings and walk my son to his bus stop every day. Even in the rain, and the snow, I made sure to always be there. I also was there to get him from the bus stop too. I would have nightmares at night about people breaking into my apartment both my ex and random robbers I manifested in my mind. My son and I would cry together out of being lonely and missing our brown lab puppy my ex stole from us too. It was a very hard time.
I was so angry though, mostly at myself for allowing myself to get in that position. To let a man hurt my son and I emotionally and mentally. That I stopped believing in myself like I used to when I started cosplay and cam modeling, to let things get this far and this hard. I felt so defeated, and I felt like I had to take all the blame because at the end of the day I know I am in control of every decision I make. To this day I struggle to completely forgive myself for that horrible year.
Anger turned into motivation. I hooked up with a friend to make a male female porn tape that I could sell on my onlyfans. My two exs in the past didn't like to make videos so I thought this would finally be a missing link to my success. A lot of the top onlyfans girls make boy girl content, I always do solo so I figured this could take me over the edge. The video did nothing, except upset the handsome older man I started to see for a couple months in my town. Even though he told me thoroughly he was divorced and never wanted monogamy ever again. Yet of course, me making a move for my career, affected another personal relationship. It was really frustrating because I thought we communicated about our places in each others lives clearly, and I was a single mom struggling and desperate to get out of debt and depression.
So then he ghosted me after that, and that broke my heart too. He was literally a dream man to me, too. Almost 50, grey and silver hair, tall and slender, wealthy and smart, a dad of three..so I went into a spiral shaming myself again for my career. I started to take down all my nude content, I was trying to rebrand. Then my money went down, and I really freaked out. I stopped myself and wondered why I was changing myself again and being broke as shit, just to prove to who? That I am not a money hungry dick eating whore?
So I decided I am done. Done trying to make everyone else happy. I am going to do what makes ME happy. I mean yes in my mind I always wanted to start another business one day and not make solo porn anymore, but even that plan in my mind for the future I don't know if I thought I had to put it there just because society insists I do so. So I finally did what I needed to, I start to upload ALL my content from over the years. The nude photosets, the videos, everything! I also reached out to a couple of my fav "suitors" from the past and started to let only those 3 people book me. I was able to finish paying off my 18k credit card and rental debt I accumulated with my ex. I was able to finally buy a car in cash. I even turned in my car a month later and financed one from a dealership. As you can imagine the cash car was already breaking down the first month I got it.
My lease was ending, which we were excited to leave the space with all the bad memories in it so we moved to our new apartment. Due to all the debt my score was in the low 400s and I was getting denied on all my rental applications. Thank goodness my last apartment complex had some sister properties and they told me they would let me do a unit transfer since I paid my rent all year they would slide on the credit check. So that was the best biggest change for us, because I started to buy new furniture and change my whole apartment around even before the move so I could change the energy up and make it feel different and new. It really didn't until we moved though. All I could get was a studio apartment but it didn't matter. I wanted to save money and spend the next year snuggling up tight with my little man. Healing and reconnecting after that horrible year where someone got between us. I didn't mind at all getting to snuggle up every night, or hang in the same space together all the time. My ex used to squint at us and give us dirty looks when my son wouold snuggle up to me. He got mad when we would pop kiss on the lips, all the little things. So I just wanted to hold my kid tight after dealing with that shit.
So we moved. I got rid of so much, and minimalized. Two days after we moved in I went and got us a little black lab puppy from a Weaverville Walmart parking lot $500 cash. We named her Xena and she is one of the best things to ever happen to us. I decided to tell my clients goodbye, and used the savings I built to pay off rent and other bills a few months in advance. I wanted to have a stress free summer and possibly start a photography or permanent makeup business. It was really hard to do still though needing money to invest into starting those things up, I just ended up deciding to just focus on my cosplay and cam modeling. I know I want to do more so bad but I still needed to do so much for my Kitty Quinn brand. Plus, I just wanted to enjoy the summer, and focus on family. Being present with my son everyday, and training my brand new puppy. I didn't want to stress about being away from them a lot, or busy and not paying attention. I have been trying to savor every moment this summer because I know time flies so fast and these moments will be memories in the past one day.
I am not sure exactly when but about a month ago I had a huge internal shift. I had been taking pole dance classes all year to take my power back within myself, and I am not sure....I just had a day where I finally had a thought of maybe going to dance on a stage. All my male AND female friends were telling me I would make a lot of money where ever I would go, that I was ready NOW, and to go for it. I was nervous but excited filling my head with these ideas, I hadn't performed on stage since I played flute in concert band growing up. But I started to burrrnnnnn up inside with this excitement that was giving me new power and life. I imagined myself being confident, brave, on stage, dancing naked like I love to, being adored and spoiled like I want to. This is when I also decided to get back into luxury companionship.
I thought, I am single, so FUCK IT! Why not go dance naked on stage? Why not be compensated for the dates I go on? Why.....not? I looked around figuratively and saw I had no jealous partner standing over me to look down their nose at me. I had to look at myself in the mirror and decide what do I want? Instead of making decisions to make others happy, I had to make one for myself. I remembered that every time I tell people about when I did companionship from may2019-2020 that it was the best year of my life. Why can't I have that again? I was just fed up with not doing what I really wanted, that now I want to do NOTHING but what the fuck, I want.
The first few weeks were a little stressful, I got a lot of time wasting emails. Though, I coached myself through it, remembering it took a little while last time I put my ads up. To remember how much money I made before, how much fun I had, and that soon it was all coming and to brace myself because now its going to be even stronger than it was last time.
I got my first booking, and since then I have been happy. Caught up financially, relaxed, and appeased. Now eager to keep going but also feeling a big sense of calm and stillness. Like I just want to stay in this spot right here, I am cozy with this situation! There is a small bit of anxiousness in me to save up fast and buy a home, I still hold guilt for selling the first house I just bought for my shitty ex. But again, let go and move forward. Focus on the new and now. I promised myself I would get an even better house with more land than the one I got before.
I haven't counted exactly but I think I have made 14k just in my first few weeks of bookings. I have high rates, but I also have been shocked to see nearly all my suitors have tipped me extra, tipped me to stay longer, and even tipped before and after bookings for custom video content. Being open this time around and not going under a fake alias like "Emily Monroe" is already helping me reap the benefits. I get to brag about my Playboy and Hustler modeling brand I have created around me, and I get more online content supporters too! It has felt so good, because adding this to my life is even boosting my current career so it feel like the best situation right now.
I have been able to do more hair, nails, and toenails. Get myself and my son things we need... I immediately dropped off the $300 for his school tuition by the way! It is a breath of fresh air to finally do more for my little man. It makes me just feel like a way better mother. Right now I am not sure what to do with my new income, I am not trying to waste and blow it on stupid things so I am just saving it. All I can think of wanting most of all right now is a home. So I am saving for that.
I want a home that has a nice piece of land, with a private yard. So I can garden in the nude, and take all the squirt videos for my content business, and whatever else I please. I want my son to have his own room, where he can play with his toys and go crazy without me constantly telling him to clean up because he is in my space too. Or to have land for him to run wild and free, a trampoline, a pool, a swingset, a forest to explore, a workshop to blacksmith in, and a range to shoot his BB gun. I want to give him the opportunity to do all those things he wants. I can't help it but it is just the main driving force within me, to make him happy.
I can't lie though, I will enjoying grazing under the moon naked, having BBQs, and making art. There is so much I want to do as an artist, and mother with a house and land. I just want my own little safe haven, my own queendom. That I will NEVER sell for any man ever again. I will be sure to be careful, and protect what is mine for now on.
So I am happy, to be spoiled....to finally get the things I deserve. I hate that I wasted a decade taking care of grown men. Just to prove to the world I am not a bimbo, that I can work hard and do amazing things. That I can be masculine, and a provider. Instead of being proud of my feminism, using it to my advantage, utilizing the gifts God gave me.
So I refuse to do "civie" dates. Which us hookers call, civilian dates. (& yes I just said hookers lol) I only have gone on a couple dates recently with the older man I was dating earlier this year that ghosted me. Though, I am unsure how long I will entertain that because it is hard for me to trust him after he flaked me once before. I obviously am way to forgiving, but I think communication is a important and a lot of things go sour because people are afraid to just talk it out. Aside from that ONE person though, I refuse to go on casual dates as I said. I like to do my bookings, to me that dating pool is WAY better. I love being spoiled financially, because I respect that person more. For accessing my body, and the most sacred parts of my heart and soul, that they are taking care of me for exposing that side. The even balance of give and take. I love that there are conversations before hand about sexual boundaries and what not. It is ALL just way better than casual dating!
It does get hard though, having to be extra health conscious, and dealing with hearts/emotions. Not even just others but even my own. This is definitely a business and work, but for me sex is spiritual so I put my full heart into it too. So when I find someone I am really attracted to and like, it can get me a little anxious. I'll want to see that person more, even outside of bookings but I know I can never do that because then I can ruin the business relationship. Or they are just married so we can not have nothing more than a hidden discreet relationship. Though my heart is pretty detached with a wall around it after last year, so I am pretty good at shrugging my shoulders off and focusing on myself or the next move to make.
It still can get to your heart though. Especially when people claim they can't book you due to financials, when you know they certainly can handle it. I don't mean to get a little dark here, but it is true that I have met so many people who are unhappy with their wives. Who have no sex life, or just horrible relationships with their own partners. YES, of course they love them, and did even more at some point, and a lot of them provided kids too so they always have that respect for their children's mother.
But as your mistress, I am over here making you feel AMAZING. I am giving you life again, I heal your heart, and make you believe in yourself finally. I please you in ways nobody else has before, and I am one of your closest and most trusted friends ever holding some of your deepest secrets with me. I may not bare your child, but I do bare those secrets for life.
So yes, I do kind of wish someone would show me how much they actually value me the way they do others in their lives. Like BIG TIME spoiling. A gift, someone who wants to give me more without me even having to ask for it. Just because it makes them happy. Does anyone owe me anything ? No, at the end of the day it is a business and money exchange and time and companionship. Like I said though, my heart is in this and I do take it a bit personally. I guess I am just annoyed after taking care of TWO grown ass men ex husbands I had in the past decade, and just being a sex worker for 11 years now I have been giving myself to men for years now. Even when I didn't do in person dates, being a cam model online still fulfilling the requests of men everywhere. It has all just been so exhausting me giving giving and giving to men so much of myself all the years, I finally want to receive. I want people to give to ME.
So that's is why I am a luxury companion again. Even if it's just going out to dinner, I want to be spoiled for that time spent. I want those who see me as a princess to treat me as such, those who can't can fuck off. I can't help but feel a little angry to know there are so many shitty women out their being spoiled brats, not lifting a finger and living on their husbands dime. I mean touche ladies, but then I see myself this self built woman, who is sweet and happy even through all of lifes bullshit, being grateful for every kindness that is sent my way.... and I can't bag a sweet rich husband to give me the world like I deserve? How could a woman like me be single like this? Well the truth is, nobody every believes they are good enough for me. Nobody ever has the strength to stand up and say, I want to be her man, I want to give her what she deserves, and I want to make sure she if taken care of and kept. Everyone kind of just comes to admire me, and then goes away. So many people act like I am some unreachable goddess, that I can never be satisfied. I mean... no lie I am insatiable lol but I am believe it or not....human. I want family and friendship just like everyone else. Money? Pfffttt I could move into an RV tomorrow but finding a REAL friend to stick around in life and love me for who I am? When will I find such a king one day?
I don't know, but in the mean time I am falling in love with myself. I am planning to buy myself a big beautiful ring one day and I was to make a promise to always love ME. It is hard, to crave a best friend/partner when I do enjoy the taste of freedom. When I can not have just one husband, but all the husbands. When I can meet so many amazing different people, with different stories and personalities, that compliment all the different sides of me. Everyone is so different, and makes me feel so good. I am afraid I'll never settle down again, but I am trying to turn that fear into excitement. The excitement of what an amazing woman I may become if I stayed single and focused on myself for the rest of my life.
Either way I know my heart is going to melt many times over in the years to come. All the temporary buddies, temporary loves I will have. All the laughter, the adventures, the money, the knowledge. When I do this work it just makes me feel all kinds of ways, it just makes me feel tuned in to the highest power. I feel sparkly inside my chest, I have more energy in every step. I feel a little nervous and excited like I am at the edge of a plane about to jump out with nothing but a parachute, that I don't even know if it will work or not. But I am going to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and take the jump anyways because I feel on top of the world babes and I am ready for the thrill of it all. Xoxo