I am healing right now. So I wanted to reach out and write to my fanbase as a whole. I do answer personal messages but lately I am starting to feel overwhelmed keeping up with all the conversations on onlyfans.. trying to keep everyone updated since I am always an open book about myself and my life. Truth is I haven’t been happy for a while. I would really narrow it down to the past two years. It has been… whoa. I don’t mean covid either, I know everyone has struggled through it but mine has been more so personal demons and family stress. Today I bit the bullet and signed up for a therapy app. I have had to much pride to ever try therapy, yet I have been so unstable moving around so much I haven’t been able to making solid friendships. Leaving me lonely, and feeling isolated and Disconnected to humanity. I realized a lot of different parts in my life have been unstable. Constantly moving, constantly changing my brand, constantly doing something new every day. Many of us only think kids need routines, yet I realize adults need it so bad too. I am also hurt and full of trauma From my past. Especially when it comes to sex, romance, etc. I used to be a cheater in my past, and I was the mistress to many married men in my life. So now that I am finally trying to be in a monogamous relationship myself, I am so full of guilt from my past that I now have formed trust issues. I am so uncomfortable trying to be in a relationship because of the things I’ve seen And experienced. I’ve been treating my partner like he is a dirty rotten cheater, when he has been nothing but be Loyal to me. Though, because of that trauma I have a wall up. My heart guarded. And a barb wire fence around it. Today I want to start breaking that wall down. I realize it will take time, discipline, and consistency. I know I need to defeat my own personal demons, my own insecurities… if I want to reach the mountain tops I look up to. So today I will be writing letters of forgiveness to myself, and those who have hurt me in the past. This was an excercise i found in my therapy app that hit me hard. I cried when I read it because I realized I don’t forgive myself for a lot of things. I also don’t forgive the wrong doings of others, and it has tainted my innocence. My magic and my hope for life. I let myself be a vessel for so many lost souls, I let them pour their blockages into me. As others released their demons and insecurities by receiving my healing, I absorbed those demons. I see now I have not cleansed myself of all the outside energy that has constantly been deposited into my life. So today I’m acknowledging it and fighting it. I realize I have a lot of pride when it comes to help. Even those of you who offer to send money for my hair and nails, or things I want and need. I guess I don’t like to receive gifts, because most my life gifts have come from men. And gifts haven’t been gifts, they ended up expecting sexual favors or personal attention. So sometimes I feel like I would rather work and save than just take a gift from someone knowing they are going to expect something from me in return.
Though I am finally going to stop, because not everyone expects something in return. Some people just really want to help me. I am always turning it away. Today I admit, I need help. I need help to feel better. As much as I just want to focus on my saving goals for my upcoming move at the end of the year, I know I’ll go insane before that time hits if I don’t take care of myself. Things I want to feel better, like paying monthly for my therapy app… getting my nails done regularly…. Going to a hair stylist on November 30th so she had try to get me back to blonde and trim my hair… I really want to get a full body massage soon…. Eat healthy meals…. Start going to movies or shopping again….get my messed up lip tattoo removed… get my teeth fixed…. And get some more workout things so I can get myself locked into a routine at home. I want to take care of myself. I see I’m a caregiver constantly taking care of those around me. Uplifting others constantly and healing pains people hold. I don’t mind being a healer and it makes me feel good to make others feel good. Though, I cannot give to others with an empty cup. In fact my cup Isnt empty it is full. But it is full of negativity and I really need to empty my cup and refill it with positive. I would really love to do something healing and special during thanksgiving week. I would love a trip to the beach… or possibly a local healing center. I would love to spend time out in nature reconnecting, clearing my mind, and simplifying my mind. I over think way to much, and sometimes my thoughts get out of control. They take over my whole body, and I’m a prisoner to … my negative thoughts. So this month I am focusing on my mental health. Changing my mental and physical habits. I am going to learn to enjoy life again. Start painting again , play video games again, and just have fun enjoying the little moments. I’ve been so caught up, and out myself in this time crunch. To be a successful model. To be the perfect mom. To get out of debt. To buy a house. I just feel so behind but I realize there is no rush, because I’m missing the most important moments while I’m so hung up on the future. I’m missing the now. So here is to living in the now again and slowing my mind down. Letting go of resentments and learning to appreciate who I am and what I have right now. I will shamelessly say, if anyone wants to donate this month to relaxing things like massages, salons, nature picnics, movie theater nights, eating at a restaurant night, a new bra, a healthy smoothie etc… I will receive guilt free. I do want to say gifts are separate from custom videos. So don’t donate for a massage and say go enjoy yourself and then message me two days later asking for a custom video. Gifts are gifts. Commissions are commissions those are separate.
I find myself still being able to take just a fewwww more custom videos, this month I’m completing my last Orders I had and starting my new twitch stream routine. But I do think I can fit a few into my schedule this month! So let me know I’m here. My email for direct contact and for PayPal is email@example.com.
I want to thank my fan base. For being here through all the tough parts to support me. Not even just with money but friendship and kind words. those who have been here for years standing right behind me cheering me on. I couldn’t of gotten here without you. Thank you for helping me live our my dreams. I love you all.